Someone's in the house. He's watching. He's creeping round, only you can't see him. He's watching you from the walls. He's right behind you now. Looking over your shoulder. He wants the remote control. He's a bad boy. He wants to watch bad movies. Bad bad Ronald...

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

PEEPHOLE REVIEW: Meadowoods(2009)

The Kids Aren't Alright
Another band of merry filmmakers has, once again, leaped headlong onto the "found footage" bandwagon that got rolling after the success of The Blair Witch Project. This flick features an interesting enough premise  --  three bored kids who decide to kill a random person -- that touches on the exceedingly disturbing trend amongst middle class kids, who are bored with their stable suburban lifestyle.  With a huge sense of entitlement, these kinds of kids believe that they deserve to be able to act out as they wish -- probably because some pop culture idol told them it was okay -- and their bloated egos lead them to believe that they'll be superstars when the world finds out that they are really just good kids who needed to be heard.
Do you think the audience understands how bored we are?
Meadowoods had the opportunity to demonstrate just how idle and misguided these kids are, but trashes any sense of sensibility by seemingly giving these deluded fools a credible voice (the similarly themed The Final made the same mistake).  The filmmakers, while demonstrating just how creepy kids like this could be, seemed also to be empathetic to them.  I don't begrudge a filmmaker who attempts to humanize the monsters who walk among us.  Actually, I admire the movies that can make us pause.  Some of the best horror movies can make the common person come to an understanding of why a killer is what he is.  But, Meadowoods ain't nearly in that league. 

To start with, the story is nonexistent.  What we have here is really just the kids sitting around trying to convince themselves, and each other (and us), that what they're doing has some real merit.  The dialogue is amazingly laughable, as these kids try and sound creepy and oh-so-unaffected.  And the action, if you can call it action, is so underplayed, as to not have the actors remove themselves from the set frame of the camera (remember, when he pulls the gun on you, don't scramble out past your spot).  What we end up with is just another bunch of fanboys who have convinced themselves that their ripoff is somehow original.

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Winners Are...



Here are 5 names picked at random from the free DVD giveaway:
Jerry Perzanowski
Patrick Zartman
Michal Janusz Zombee
Jen Soska
Ron Oliver

Congrats kids!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

BAD RONALD REVIEW: Fangoria Frightfest - GRIMM LOVE (2006)

A Grim Tale of a Grim Feast
In 2002 Armin Meiwes (known popularly as the Rotenburg Cannibal), was convicted of the manslaughter of fellow a fellow German named Bernd Jürgen Brandes. Meiwes was looking to have a cannibalistic experience, and Brandes was looking to, well... get eaten.  This was shocking in and of itself, but what most captivated the world was that the two had met on an Internet chat room for wannabe  cannibals.  The darn Internets!  Wouldn't the world be a safer place without it!!

In this fictional account of the story, Keri Russell plays Katie Armstrong, an American student studying criminal psychology in Germany. For her thesis, she chooses the notorious case of Oliver Hartwin , a man fixated on the idea of eating another human being. Via an internet chat board he found a willing volunteer, a young man Simon Grombeck.  Katie, herself, soon becomes obsessed with the case and immerses herself in it at all expenses of her own well being.  But why, we don't really learn. 
Oh crap... IMDB won't let me erase this movie from my resume.
Through a series of flashbacks -- done partly with an annoying old worn 8mm film look (even though none of their childhood was captured on film) -- we learn of how nasty parenting and sadness shaped these two men into the desperate, pathetic and degraded men they grew up to be.  It's almost like a love story, that these two lost souls came together, almost cosmically, as if they were meant to.  I mean, how often have you thought Gee, I wish I could find someone who would let me eat them.  I mean seriously let me have, not just a nibbly, but a whole meal! And then, poof! There he is.  Like fate, baby.

The story of Oliver and Simon (played brilliantly by both Thomas Kretschmann and Thomas Huber), itself, is quite riveting.  So, it begs the question of why the movie needed the Keri Russell character.  As Katie runs here and there, investigating the lives of her subjects, and what drew them separately to perform such unspeakable acts together, we never get a glimpse into what drives Katie.

We see her often check herself in the mirror, examining the anguish the case has brought to her.  We hear the phone message from a friend who worry she has become unsafely drawn to her work.  But, Katie is never in any danger from anyone, not even from her own sanity.  The only obstacle she crosses are people who despise even the name of Oliver Hartwin, and won't provide any help.  Even as Katie enters the Internet world of the cannibal wannabes to discover there exists a videotaped account of the cannibal feast between Oliver and Simon, there is no cause for alarm, because one of the very helpful cannibal fans simply drops a copy off for her to watch.  Such nice peeps those man-eaters are.
Gonna have to tenderize this one
She watches the video.  She gasps at the moment Simon's penis is lopped off and shared (no Ciante or fave beans necessary).  She sobs when Oliver grants his friend's final wish to kill and cook him.  Katie becomes so upset, so disgusted by the final kill that she smashes the tape apart. But why?  She had delved headlong into the lives of these two people, learning every sordid detail about there lives, coming to know them quite candidly -- but then becomes so morally outraged when they inevitably consummate their bond. Her reaction should have been quite the opposite.  As a student of psychology, you'd think she would come to understand these two people more as human beings, as opposed to monsters. 

Like I'd mentioned earlier, this is almost like a love story.  It's the story of a bond between two people who fate has drawn together out of impossible odds.  Screenwriter T.S. Faull developed the relationship between Oliver and Simon with such pathos and humanity (even though director Martin Weisz flashy craftsmanship nearly ruined it all) that I think he may have worried he'd crossed some moral boundary.  This is the only explanation I can come up with for the Keri Russell character.  Katie is there as the viewers guide, so to speak.  She, like the viewer, becomes interested in the sensation of it all.  But then, when it gets deep, she makes sure to let everyone know that, even though she was knee deep in watching the whole mess, she (nor the viewer or filmmaker) will not stand for it. And thus, smashes the evidence of her own obsession.

What a better ending to this film had Katie spoken of her own obsession with the darker side of life, of how she is torn by the moral repugnance of the cannibal act between the two subjects and their almost transcendent bond.  I guess what has happened is the filmmakers couldn't come to terms with the notion that one can learn to understand human nature, while not condoning the cruelty that humans can inflict.

Either that, or they're vegans who despise flesh eaters.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

PEEPHOLE REVIEW: Never Cry Werewolf (2008)

Fright Night with the Werewolves
Don't lose the hat, Hercules!
Nothing can ruin a day more than having a killer werewolf move next door.  So, if it ever happens to you, just ask yourself What would Hercules do?  Answer -- kick its ass.

Nina Dobrev (of Degrassi and Vampire Diaries fame) can't quite figure out her new studly next door neighbor with the 5:00 shadow on his palms.  But, with a couple clicks of the computer  mouse and a rocking montage soundtrack, she discovers her answer -- he's a werewolf!  Good investigative enthusiasm!!  But, what to do, what to do?  Well, try borrowing the plotline from Fright Night and go after that TV big game hunter (Kevin Sorbo) you just saw on the commercial. Maybe he can help you.
Wait... I've seen this plot before.
Never Cry Werewolf debuted on the SyFy Channel (back when it was the Sci-Fi Channel), but with all the bleeped out curses, they obviously had higher expectations for this flick. But, with the kid-centric characters and dialogue, it started looking more like a Nickelodeon entry.  High school gal gets into supernatural trouble, Mom is clueless, little brother is a smartass, music is hip.  But then things start getting a little weird.  Not plot wise, but questionable occurences that make you wonder just what the hell the filmmakers were thinking.
The big bad dirty old wolf wants a nibble
No doubt that high school kids get crushes on grown-ups, but the relationship between Dobrev's Loren and the nasty neighbor wolfman Jared (Peter Stebbings) gets a lot creepier than the usual monster movie creepiness.  For one thing, Stebbings the actor is nearly 20 years Dobrev's senior, and his character is some 200 years older, as well.  Kinda... wrong.

Makes you wonder just what writer John Sheppard and director Brenton Spenser were thinking.  Things ride along pretty calmly at first.  The moms get all frisky when they meet the new neighbor Jared, but the cougar attitude doesn't really wash, since they're all the same generation.  The school girls get all breathy after seeing Loren straddled on the back of Jared's hog, wishing they could hold on tight, as well.  And it even seems okay when Loren, who's been spying on her neighbor to keep a count of his victims, spies him in the shower (note: but not okay that he revels in it).  But then things get real dicey come the climax.  Jared comes a-knocking at Little Red's door the night of the full moon and rambles off something about a wolf marking its territory.  With his beer bottle tipped and dangling in his hand by his belt buckle, he pours the ale on the floor.  Holy phallic metaphor, Batman!  It gets, um...worse...  After pinning her to a chair, he orders her to take her top off!  Oh, but she's wearing a sports bra -- so that's all good.  And -- oh, he only asks this small favor because, he mentions, that he doesn't want anything to interfere when he chomps into her neck (funny how that didn't seem to matter when he dug into the other victims, some wearing fall jackets). Then comes the groping and nibbling.

Seriously, what were you on when you wrote this Sheppard?  He must've just gotten out of a Larry Clark retrospective, or something.
His breath is soooooo chilly...
I'm not sure if I could even say this movie was enjoyable.  It seemed fairly innocuous, and fun for a night when nothing better was on.   That was until Woody Allen showed up to turn it all into a salacious dirty old man dream.  No, Nickelodeon it's not.... Definitely more for the Family Channel.

Monday, October 18, 2010

TV MOVIE MADNESS: Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (1973)

Can you see them, Sally...
TV Movies used to be a real blast.  And I'm not saying that just because I was present during the heyday of the MOW (Movie of the Week) era, and got to see most of the best on their original runs.  I'm saying it because it's gospel, folks!  These movies had to be good, because they were in direct competition with the theater down the street that was showing The Graduate, The Sting, The Godfather, Deliverance, Planet of the Apes, and a host of other future classics. It would be another decade or so before the TV movie became a joke -- thanks Lifetime! -- but, while it lasted, the golden age of TV movies spawned some real good treats.

One of my all time favorites was this gem Don't Be Afraid of the Dark.

On the surface, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark is a very satisfying chiller.  You've got the anxious young wife, a big old house, a cantankerous caretaker who holds its dark secrets, and a trio of creepy creatures who hide in the fireplace.  What develops is a terrifying little Gothic horror tale that pits a young woman against her own unsettling destiny.

Kim Darby is perfect for the role of Sally, the young wife of a rising young exec (played equally as well by Jim Hutton), who is trying to come to grips with her role in life and in her marriage.  She wants to be the good wife and good homemaker, but she's a young gal in the age of the feminist movement.  Hubby Jim Hutton has his hands full, after reluctantly moving into the spooky old Victorian home his wife has inherited -- not just with the fix-it-up nightmares, but with his wife who is not looking forward to hosting a big dinner party for the partners at work, whom hubby is looking to join. 

There is no scripted discussion or overtones of feminism, and Sally never speaks negatively of her marriage role.  But this was the 70s, after all, and the public discussion of women's rights and equality had moved squarely from the back burner to the front burner.  Sally may not have had her bra hanging over the burner, nor was she checking the want ads for a job, but you could undoubtedly sense her unspoken inner struggle.  The fact that this was Kim Darby, the feisty ex-child star, who was cast as Sally, speaks volumes to this, as well.  Darby was precocious young actor who so easily took on the roles of girls who were strong and resourceful -- check her out opposite John Wayne in True Grit -- and she grew into an adult who took on similar strong female roles.  She didn't play the pretty wife or girlfriend, nor was she anyone's plaything.  Her female characters were not to be idled with.  And this is what makes Sally, and her predicament, so interesting.
Get that nutcracker away from me!

Well... that and those freaky little walnut headed critters who were after Sally.  I was never prone to nightmares, when I was a kid, but these monsters really flickered some anxious moments at bedtime, after the lights went out and the shadows were long and spooky.

Friday, October 15, 2010

FREE DVD GIVEAWAY!!

5 Free Copies of SHANK
Go to my ednz over at the I.m. Bad Ronald event FB page.

Don't be a wasteman. Bad Ronald is bare with Shank DVDs. It won't cost you no papers, so come on down to my endz and get you a copy a freebie.

The fabulous folks over at Revolver Entertainment have provided yours truly with 5 brand spankin' new DVD copies of their latest flick SHANK Extreme Edition, all to give to you. Yeah, you...

It's easy to win! Just stop by and "attend" the FB event. Make it fun and tell me or show me what you're gonna be for Halloween (yep, I'll go first!). No, you don't have to do it to win it, but hell, let's have some fun with it!!

Me in my costume... what a doll I am
 Don't be an eejet -- play along!!   Go Here!!