Horny Kids Go Into the Woods and Get Dead (oh wait, that's already taken)
I was just so bored by this movie that I couldn't think of a good ay to review it. So, since the plot was so obviously cookie cutout, I decided to create a mad lib to try and reconstruct just how the creative geniiuses behind Simon Says actually came up with their highly unoriginal and uninspired story.
Let's play Mad Libs and make a horror movie!!
First, the template:
TITLEA bunch of [sexy adjective] kids take a road trip to the [place where kids wind up slaughtered]. Riding in the [choose a vehicle] are a [pick a heroine type], [pick a clique type], [another clique type], [another contrasting clique type], and [pick a token minority].
[choose a cliche title based on a kids game]
[choose a cliche title based on a kids game]
Now the story:
The kids wind up at a [scary adjective] [scary place], but don't seem to notice anything wrong. Even though the [scary adjective] [stereotypical horror bad guy] is acting real strange.
Off the kids go to (pick a place where kids get slaughtered} and proceed to [choose a sex act] or [an activity that doesn't include sex]. Soon the [stereotypical bad guy] shows up and [act of violence] all the kids with a [choose a weapon that you don't think has been used before in a horror movie].
It turns out that the [stereotypical bad guy] is [cliche verb] with the [choose the heroine], who has had [cliche horror experience] about the [stereotypical bad guy], but why, we don't know.
[Term of exasperation] the [choose heroine again] has a showdown with the [stereotypical bad guy] only to find out that the [choose a random character] is [verb of romantic overtures] with her. It's all for naught, because the [stereotypical bad guy] [violent verb] him.
The end? Nope, tack on an epilogue that [verb that reflects the boredom of the audience] until we get to the [adjective] conclusion.
Here's the generator, provided by the folks at Mad Glibs:
And here is the end results with the answers the producers filled in for:
Simon SaysA bunch of horny kids take a road trip to the woods. Riding in the van are a Heroine, Jock Beau Hunk, Stone, Slut, and Asian Animal Lover.
The kids wind up at a creepy country store, but don`t seem to notice anything wrong. Even though the creepy Creep is acting real strange.Off the kids go to the woods and proceed to get busy or jog. Soon the Creep shows up and hackspick ax.It turns out that the Creep is in love with the Heroine, who has had a weird dream about the Creep, but why, we don`t know.
Anyhoo the Heroine has a showdown with the Creep only to find out that the Stoner is enamored with her. It`s all for naught, because the Creep torches him.
The end? Nope, tack on an epilogue that drags on until we get to the exhausting conclusion.See how you can make your own horror movie!!
Bottom line... Simon Says ain't even close to an original horror movie. But the thing is, I don't think they really cared. The filmmakers seemed to revel in their lack of inspiration and went hog wild in filth. The problem was, they didn't have near enough a sense of humor to pull past their cliches and retreads.
However, at about the 40 minute mark, the film goes nuts. Once Crispin Glover (why, Crispin?! Why!!) meets up with a band of gun toting sports, the bloody mayhem reaches extreme pleasuredome. Bodies are flying, limbs are torn, torsos are beheaded, blood is splattered -- if only the rest of the film could keep up with the great kill sequences. Oh! And be prepared for the most hilarious gore shot that I've seen in a long time, which is a shot of the aftermath of the murder of the jogger girl. And I don't mean funny in a way that it's so bad you gotta laugh, but seriously gruesomely funny. It's worth freeze-framing and staring.
For a real mind boggler, check out the open credits. First you'll be wondering why Crispin is throwing his career away, but then you'll notice that the Lively sisters are listed -- Robyn, of Teen Witch fame (loved that movie!), Lori (who?) and their more famous Gossip Girl sister Blake (look even closer at the names and you'll see daddy Ernie's name in the cast and producer credits). Oddly, the Lively clan is absent until the very end of the film in very bit parts.
The family affair doesn't end there. Look close and see as Crispin's dad shows up in flashback sequences as, um... his dad. Then there's a couple Johnson brothers and Cunningham twins hanging around. And of course director William Dear has to play King Nepotism and hire his kid Oliver for not just a cameo, but to supervise the visual effects and stunts, and the special effects and do storyboards and second the second unit director.
There's also a Janelle Harshman listed in the many producer slots, but I can't tell if she's related to the star Margo Harshman. Whoever Janelle is, she should be thankful that Margo's in this flick. She's the only one who puts in a worthwhile performance (of course I'm bias, cuz I remember her fine role in Even Stevens). Where Crispin Glover is so far over the top that it almost topples over in embarrassment, Harshman keeps her character well anchored (and her clothes barely on).
Yeah, I know Crispin is a nutso kinda guy -- I've followed his career from the start, when he was a bit player in TV sitcoms and dramas -- but the guy is much better when a good director can tamp down his madness to give a more chiseled and fine performance.
Watch the movie for the sudden explosion of gore and violence, and Margo's bikini top -- but not for Crispin. For a better horror performance, check him out as the tweakier geekier Mortimer in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter